Sunday, November 6, 2011
What can I say to all the young hearts in line, waiting their turn to be broken? I see girls, so young, so lonely, so ready to be flown to the moon. Their lives are so small, their youth is their greatest enemy, their dreams are obsessions, clutched tightly in hopeful, inexperienced hearts. If I could say to myself the things I should have known ten years ago, if I could protect one small life from hurt, if I could show one little girl how beautiful and precious her heart is...I would.
God's protecting hand has covered me all my life. I had no father to protect me, guide me, teach me my worth. And yet, instead of searching for love the way others have, I closeted my fear and loneliness in an attempt to feel like the tragic heroine I hoped to be. I could not have everything I wanted; surely my silent deprivation would be vindicated somehow in this world or the next. This method of survival while less obviously destructive than some, wreaks havoc in a girls mind and heart. I learned to trust in my own (sometimes self-inflicted) suffering as a means of making myself worthy of love. Surely the more I suffered, the more loveable I would become. But I was wrong. I only became more miserable, and more incapable of receiving the love I wanted so badly.
We are not made for isolation. Of any suffering, loneliness is the hardest to bear. It will always be with us, no matter how happy we become, how fulfilled our lives are, no matter who we love, who loves us in return. It curls up, so comfortable in the back of our minds, and spreads its misery like a disease. There are some holes that simply cannot be filled however we try. Like my father--I cannot fill his hole with anything, anyone. But there is comfort in friends after all, if you're willing to have them. When at last I allowed myself to look for help, I found it easily enough. And I found that human comfort--the reaching out of one soul to another is as comforting as it is imperfect. Its very imperfection proves that there is something more, something better. God has given people to love, to show just a glimpse of His love, the love that fills all holes, bridges all chasms, reaches to all depths. Now at last I take comfort in the people I love gladly, as a gift from the one whose love will eclipse loneliness in the end, once and for all.
I hope these ones will always know how much they are loved.