Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Silence explained.

It is when beauty takes me by storm or by calm,
by the hand or by the throat--
It is when beauty sweeps over like summer lightning,
or settles in like a bird come home--
It is when beauty sneaks up like a birthday surprise,
or hides in my heart like a secret answer to a secret question--
It is when beauty sings to me like a symphony,
or strings words together in constellations of love poems--

This is when I, astonished, conspicuous, have the least to say.


Sunday, November 6, 2011

To all girls.



What can I say to all the young hearts in line, waiting their turn to be broken? I see girls, so young, so lonely, so ready to be flown to the moon. Their lives are so small, their youth is their greatest enemy, their dreams are obsessions, clutched tightly in hopeful, inexperienced hearts. If I could say to myself the things I should have known ten years ago, if I could protect one small life from hurt, if I could show one little girl how beautiful and precious her heart is...I would.





God's protecting hand has covered me all my life. I had no father to protect me, guide me, teach me my worth. And yet, instead of searching for love the way others have, I closeted my fear and loneliness in an attempt to feel like the tragic heroine I hoped to be. I could not have everything I wanted; surely my silent deprivation would be vindicated somehow in this world or the next. This method of survival while less obviously destructive than some, wreaks havoc in a girls mind and heart. I learned to trust in my own (sometimes self-inflicted) suffering as a means of making myself worthy of love. Surely the more I suffered, the more loveable I would become. But I was wrong. I only became more miserable, and more incapable of receiving the love I wanted so badly.





We are not made for isolation. Of any suffering, loneliness is the hardest to bear. It will always be with us, no matter how happy we become, how fulfilled our lives are, no matter who we love, who loves us in return. It curls up, so comfortable in the back of our minds, and spreads its misery like a disease. There are some holes that simply cannot be filled however we try. Like my father--I cannot fill his hole with anything, anyone. But there is comfort in friends after all, if you're willing to have them. When at last I allowed myself to look for help, I found it easily enough. And I found that human comfort--the reaching out of one soul to another is as comforting as it is imperfect. Its very imperfection proves that there is something more, something better. God has given people to love, to show just a glimpse of His love, the love that fills all holes, bridges all chasms, reaches to all depths. Now at last I take comfort in the people I love gladly, as a gift from the one whose love will eclipse loneliness in the end, once and for all.



I hope these ones will always know how much they are loved.

Friday, April 29, 2011

And a princess is made...


I know--didn't take this picture. Wouldn't that have been glorious though?

Yes. I did wake up at five a.m. this morning to watch the Royal Wedding. And...I would gladly give up an hour or two of sleep many, many times over to see it again. I have admired the English monarchy since I was a child--after all, like English children I was raised on Shakespeare and Austen and Dickens and Tennyson. I think, however, that there is a considerable amount of awkwardness about the way we Americans sit here and gaze across the Atlantic pond at the place and the people that make all the legends and the literature seem so real to us. After all, my people have been Americans for at least four generations now and oh dear how we do love our country. We take pride in our independence, in our kingless-ness, in our blessed simplicity.

And yet. And yet we still find ourselves watching the pomp, the traditions, the heraldry across the water and see a picture of something beautiful--something to look up to in respect, and dare I say it; something to remind us of our great King, Jesus Christ and His eternal, glorious reign. Our Lord is a King, not a president. He has taken upon Himself the care and protection and ultimate salvation of His people. He is greater than King Arthur, greater than any of the Edwards, Henrys or Georges. And when we pray, we are like those adoring people outside the gates of Buckingham palace (except incomprhensibly the gates have been opened to us), eyes fixed on the crimson draped balcony, but looking not at the symbols of our King, but at our King Himself. And He is like, but infinitely better than those royals on that balcony, looking down in love and favor on their people. Because where they are living lamp posts, He is the living sun.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The fire burns, the pages turn.

Today I began the dusty business of packing up my humble belongings. I will be moving to my new home officially on Saturday, but the real work has already started and no doubt will continue all week. This move, as opposed to my last one which took me a distance of three thousand miles from the place of my childhood, is a mere thirty miles--an easy drive for my intrepid Honda, Henry. And yet this move as much as the last, represents the end of an era, the closing of a chapter, the relentless passing of time. I am not afraid. But I am sad.

As I rummaged through the inevitable accumulation of odd things in my drawers and steadily deconstructed my bedroom I could not quite banish the tightness in my chest, the quiet ache in my stomach. I am leaving the place that has been to me a safe harbor, a house of refuge. Here I have found hope when there was only despair, and light when there was only darkness. Here I have been loved.



I realize that it is more than a little silly for me to be sad today. After all, people who love me are close, I have work, a new home, hope for the future. I have all this and more. So I will soon banish the sadness from my heart. But it will have its say--it always does.



As for the people who love me, well...how can my words possibly express them, honor them enough? They have been a true brother, a true sister to me. They have planted me, watered me, shined on me, and waited patiently for the light in my eyes, for the strength in my limbs to return. They have lifted me up with their confidence, and more than anything, they have lifted my face to see God's face shining down on me with such unspeakable love that I can hardly say what I must say without weeping.

Even now as I consider the life I have lived for the past twenty months, and the life I lived all the years before, I cannot understand how I survived without knowing what I know now: that I am loved. I am LOVED. And by the God who spoke light into existence, who governs the entire universe and any worlds beyond, who weeps for me, who is enraged with the cause of all my suffering, who died to right all wrongs, and who rose again to slay death like the foul beast it is.

I will drink deeply the love of my Lord tonight, and I will be at peace.


Pictures of a February sunset at the Oceanside pier in San Diego, California.




Thursday, March 31, 2011

I go up.

To be taken slowly, savored like chocolate, enjoyed like wine. Rachmaninoff has provided suitable accompaniment. So read on:

Through the haze I see the most beautiful golden hot air balloon ever made waiting for me in a broad green field.
I run and run until I'm safe inside and then, up, up, up I slowly drift.
The ropes creak in the wind and I feel my heart gently melting till it diffuses into liquid light
and flows, glistening to the furthest extremities of myself. The earth spreads out like an open
story book below me, and I read it lovingly even as I fly slowly away. The sky is mine and I hold it
with both arms and recite sonnets to the sun.

I remember who I am.

I remember who my Father is.

I remember that I am loved.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I throw open my window

I love Spring. I peer at the trees every day searching for new growth, willing them to come alive with new green foliage. The sun is so tantalizing, promising so much, keeping you waiting and waiting. Just a little bit here and there to keep you hoping, believing, breathing.

I am inspired this Spring. New thoughts, ideas, desires come washing into my brain, washing over my senses too quickly for me to process. I am in utter anguish. It is now that I feel the passing of time, the wasted days, months, years. It is now that I want most to LIVE. And yet here I sit, desperate to learn, desperate to create, to feel the thrill of accomplishment. I sit here in my room and I listen to heartrending music, and drum my fingers and wander the echoing halls of my mind, wondering, wondering...

I don't hate you Spring. I'm terribly sorry but you must be conquered. Spring, I will conquer you. The window must be thrown open and I must stand under the deluge. I must let the wind blow through my hair, and scatter my thoughts to the furthest corners of my mind. I must allow desire for a moment to fly in and sing so piercing sweet. I must let it chase me to my purpose and chastise me exquisitely until my work is finished.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Dreaming Russia

Someday I shall be seen stepping from a bright yellow taxi, muffled in fur (and maybe a few diamonds), to a waiting doorman, and for one night at least I will pretend to be something special. Maybe I could be one of the lost Russian princesses, corseted, coiffed and awaiting certain doom. I don't know. But what better place to imagine than the Russian Tea Room? Just a few blocks from the Metropolitan Opera and just outside of Central Park, this is the place I am dreaming on these days.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I look over my shoulder

This song represents my childhood. Yes, I am...more than a little nostalgic by nature. This is probably the first movie I ever watched (if you haven't seen it, you must), and my sister and I used to sing this endlessly. When I hear this I see my sister and I lying in our beds in the dark, singing and seeing fantastic shapes in the paint on the ceiling, in the shadows in the corners, in the patterns and textures of our blankets.



I hope you love it as much as I do.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I am blessed.

I have had my share of suffering--and life isn't done with me yet. I have learned that there is secret grief, hidden pain in every heart. We truly live in a weary, weary world, and I cry...all the time. Tonight I am tired. Just when I thought there was nothing more that could possibly happen, more has happened. I am not sorry for the pain. Pain is an excellent teacher. And yet, as I shuffle to the corner for the hundredth time this week to take a few more deep, deep breathes, I do wish for a fast forward button. Or maybe just a pause button. Just for a few minutes. The world can wait a few minutes. One, two, three...



I have learned that God's gentleness matches my need ounce for ounce. I have learned that His love is my only hope. I have learned that His arms are my only hiding place. I have learned that I am blessed. So I'm lining up my blessings and the things I love. Thank you Jesus!













And other things that I don't have good enough pictures to express:

-All my brothers and sisters: Joel & Rachel, Ben & Sarah, Ben & Casie, Nathan & Megan, Tom & Anna, and Mark & Lindsay
-All my nieces and nephews: Mary, Kylee, Katie, Justus, Andrew, Timothy, Kenton, Douglas, Kamryn, Seth, and Brieyn
-All my sweet aunts, uncles and cousins
-New York
-Franklin Square OPC
-The Christmas lights in my bedroom
-I could go on forever...

Friday, November 19, 2010

Of blogs, beauty and life in general

Well that's one of the more fearsome titles I've written. Fret not children, it does not follow that the following contents must be equally as fearsome. But you never can tell...

Why blogs? Why cameras and memoirs and scrap-booking (and for that matter reality tv)? I struggle to justify myself in self-expression. My own personal brand of snobbery recoils at the thought of doing anything simply because my culture lauds it. In fact, my snobbery usually finds me eschewing anything that even smells remotely in accordance with the masses. I admit, I am ashamed of my culture. And I am ashamed of myself for thinking myself so far above it. But its not just pop-culture that prompts my thoughts.

What magical thing happens between the experience of life and the expression of it? What is it in a snap-shot, a blog post, or a poem that takes life and explains it away, and makes it accessible where it was previously mysterious and out of reach? I find that I grasp at fleeting, barely comprehended moments/thoughts with both hands and wrestle them down into sanity through the written word on a regular basis. Is this merely a natural creative impulse, or an arrogance of my humanity, seeking to tamper with what is already beautiful and thus making is so much less than it already is? And am I just mumbling nonsense like a shy child to a house guest on the couch before dinner...

I leave it to you to judge this blog post as being too fearsome, ridiculous or nonsensical. Furthermore, I will keep my own judgments to myself for once.

Sincerely yours,
Rebekah

P.S. I'm trying rather pathetically to draw attention away from the glaring five month gap in posts and ease my conscience over said gap. Am I succeeding? I thought not. Well...tea, toast and Tolkien to you. Amen.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Kylee Natalie

June is Kylee's birthday month. This year she turned 8. I know, seriously. My little tow-headed niece is eight. Kylee is special. And smart. And beautiful. And the best big sister ever. Now that I've moved away, Kylee is one of the people I miss most of all.


Kylee is my second niece, plays soccer, loves games, and has a unique, raspy speaking voice.


And she has excellent taste in shoes.


That's her baby sister Kamryn the cherub cheeked. Isn't Kylee a good big sister?

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Oh rapture. Oh cheeks.


Kylee is a budding photographer.


She likes to have her nails just so. That is a definite virtue.


It was so nice seeing her in April. In honor of my visit she even stayed over with Mom and me and we did everything we used to do. Kylee and I have our traditions you know. We have sleepovers. We have tea parties. We paint our nails. We walk in the rain. We play endless games of match (all of which she wins--I'm not so good at match).


Be still my heart.


We swing sometimes.


See?


Sometimes I wonder if it is quite fair to the rest of the world that I have so many utterly adorable nieces and nephews. I have ten going on twelve you know. I am blessed.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Goodbye Stella

Confession: I drove my first car, Stella, for approximately one month. Then I drove her into a telephone pole on a dark December night in 2008. I have been paying off the loan I had for her ever since. Now, at last, I have enough to make the final payment, and now, at last, I will buy a new car.

My history as a driver has been stormy at best. And sporadic. It begins the spring of 2003, the spring I was fifteen and convinced my mom to let me join a driver's ed class. And it ends there for five long years. After graduating, my driving skills, like my permit, were stashed away somewhere until nearly forgotten or expired. I couldn't afford to buy a car, not to mention insurance, and neither could my mother. So there it was. I went to work, I went to school, and my first two years of college on the public bus, which, in the Northwest where few utilize public transportation, was an adventure in itself. I hated and loved it. And then, in the spring of 2008, the spring I was twenty, after a few refresher practice drives (which didn't prevent me from flunking parallel parking), I got my license. That year, soon after my twenty-first birthday, I bought Stella.

Stella was a 1981 two-door Oldsmobile Omega. Yes, she was a senior citizen. But she was lovely. And sweet, and full of history. And aside from a reluctance to wake up in the morning, she was a good old car in general.


I used to call her my new big sister. Just look what I did to her. My cousin Josh actually pounded down the hood for me. It was sticking up awfully before.


I should have known of course. That's what they all said. My sister Anna's first car was a 1981 Oldsmobile Omega. And she crashed the poor old thing into a telephone pole too. It is Kismet.


Well, Stella was showing signs of impending retirement, I must admit. Again and again, she refused to wake up in the morning, or even after work in the afternoon. And her brakes gave the both of us quite a scare several times. And it was her brakes in the end that was to be the undoing of us both. She was a little creaky, and that night as I drove west on Birch Bay-Lynden Road toward my cousin's house and a sleep-over, I didn't know just how tired she really was.
I didn't see the brake lights ahead of me until too late.

I stepped on the brakes too hard. They locked up and away I skidded into the other lane. I couldn't have that, so I swung a hard right and landed neatly and loudly in a shallow ditch against an obliging telephone pole. The truth is, it could have been much, much worse.
I could have taken out that car.
I could have taken out the pole.
The pole could have taken me out.
But instead, my dear old Stella took the damage, and subsequently died.
Bless her.


You were the best first car a girl could have Stella. I loved thee.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I take a walk in the dandelions

Tea does the trick. And Bradbury of course. I love you Ray Bradbury. Later that night I am to make chicken soup from the home-made broth Mom has in the refrigerator. We share delft blue mugs of it when she gets home from work.


The carrots are a bit crunchy, and I don't finish mine. But not because it isn't yummy. I'm just too tired. So I go to bed. And I sleep a very, very long time.

Mom is gone when I wake up on a sunny Friday morning. It is warm for a Washington April and I am thankful. Having made peace with my old house the day before, it is now time to face the outdoors. Walks are good. They are also sometimes irresistible. Growing up in the Northwest was a happy thing. Walks there usually make your shoes dirty and your lungs burn, depending on the season of course. My old house is built on a ridge, Wiser Ridge to be exact, and beyond and below the back yard stretches acres and acres of raspberry fields, cranberry bogs, and sometimes, depending on the year, corn or potato fields. This is where I walk. This is where I have walked for as long as I can remember. There used to be hedges of blackberry brambles high above our heads, and my brothers and sisters and I would pick buckets and buckets of them in August. This morning, the sun, the mysteries of those beautiful acres, the dew-wet grass that will make the bottoms of my jeans all wet, and the dandelions call to me, and I go gladly.

I discover immediately that the neighbors have burned out all the blackberries in sight now, and this makes me sad. Sometimes subduing the earth can go a bit too far. But blackberries are hardy and they'll come back. So will the dandelions.


I find the tenacity of weeds so inspiring. I think they're beautiful.


Grass too. Grass is beautiful. And look at those fluffy seeds. Mom never wanted me to blow them on her lawn when I was little. I think I did anyway.


Oh look, more fluffy seeds! You know, dandelions are like little suns that you can hold in your hands and wear in your hair and rub on your skin. You can even make wine from dandelions. I'm going to try that someday.


And there is nothing, no nothing that goes so well with Converse All-Stars.


I tear myself away from the dandelions on our hill to follow this wagon-track gravel and grass road. If you look carefully, you can see Mt. Baker on the horizon. Can you see him? He's the grandfather mountain. He is beautiful.


This puddle has always been in this exact spot on this road. I have jumped and squished and splattered through it often.


Irrigation ditches. I prefer to think of them as canals. They're too beautiful to be ditches. This wilderness is a patchwork of fields divided by many of these, large, small, bubbling, and green with algae.


If these canals were all connected, I would hire myself a handsome gondolier and go boating every day.


These trees are just over the fence between the network of cranberry bogs and dikes that I am wandering, and a neighboring cow field. They are out of my reach, but they can't escape my eyes. Or my borrowed pink camera. Click.


"'Oh, Trees, Trees, Trees,' said Lucy (though she had not been intending to speak at all). 'Oh, Trees, wake, wake, wake. Don't you remember it? Don't you remember me? Dryads and Hamadryads, come out, come to me.' Though there was not a breath of wind they all stirred about her. The rustling noise of the leaves was almost like words. The nightingale stopped singing as if to listen to it. Lucy felt that at any moment she would begin to understand what the trees were trying to say." --Prince Caspian



Its like a fractal. Maybe not so elaborate as the Mandelbrot Set, but really, trees are like very alive, very beautiful fractals.


I love this pond.


Oh just look at those cattails.


And yes, Washington is the Evergreen State.


A very cheerful old blue barrel. And beyond that: cranberries.


They're so vibrant any time of the year. These fields will be flooded up to the brim with water when its time to harvest.


I turn the bend, and my heart stops. These were planted about ten years ago. I remember when they were too small to see from my house. When they grew big, they were so very tall, and leafy, and rustling. They were in three or four straight rows and to walk under them was like walking in theCathedral Church of St. John the Divine.






I know they were planted to be harvested. And I know that the paper I love writing on has to come from somewhere. And I know that the beavers were getting to a few of them even before I left. But I can't help but be sad whenever trees are cut down.


I was wobbling on an embankment trying to take a picture of this when somebodies nosy llamas took interest in my presence.


I like llamas. I think I'll have some someday. Or maybe alpacas. They say alpacas are even softer.


By the time they got this close, I thought it best to leave unspitted upon.


Look what didn't get chopped down or burned out? Blackberries!


Grow little brambly, wicked vines. Grow with all thy might.


I have done most of my adolescent thinking, praying, running and crying here. This wilderness has seen me barefoot, in running shoes and today, in All-Stars. It has given me quiet and listened to my thoughts, my breathes, my heart beat. I have gone down to this wilderness and God has met me here every time. Every time with something more beautiful to tell me, show me, teach me. He has met me here and walked with me. Because its His wilderness and He loves it, and me.


Next time I'll tell you all about Stella.