Saturday, January 16, 2010

In which I become a dragon-slayer.

The truth is, people DO change. They change every day. I do.

My sister reminded me today of the person I was just five months ago. Five months ago I was afraid. I was a person so in the grip of my fear that I couldn't hear even slightly raised voices without succumbing to full blown attacks of anxiety. I had clutched my blankets around myself and voluntarily exiled myself from the land of the wakeful. I chose to sleep-walk my days down the streets of my old hometown, not seeing, not hearing, not feeling. Just breathing. I hope I never see such dark days again. I believe I won't. Life will be just as painful, I know. I will probably live another twenty-two years fighting battle after battle, after battle. But I will never again lie down like a dog and take it. Take each kick and curse and indignity. Because I have changed. I have been changed. And my changer has led me to a door and I have peaked in at love, and light, and peace, and joy, and I have cried for fear that I could never, ever be brave enough to go in. But I didn't have to be brave then. My changer brought me in, and I am in, and I am LOVED. And I will love in return even if it kills me dead. And I will fight my dragons even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

My cup runneth over.

"For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall."
Psalm 18:28, 29